Finding the Beauty in the Breakdown


I am working on a book based on my journals from the Dark Night that I experienced 6 years ago and I wanted to share an unedited and raw passage with you. At this point, I had been unemployed for over a year and, unbeknownst to me, I had another year to go.


The reason I wanted to share this particular entry is because this perfectly shows what I was meant to learn through this traumatic experience, the beauty in the breakdown, and might offer a new perspective to you whether you are going through a difficult time now or have in the past.


As you read the following passage, I ask you to think about past situations and experiences that have been challenging for you. So often when we get to the other side of a difficult time, we focus on what we lost and the pain and victimhood of it instead of celebrating all that we gained through that time of trial. It's a simple perspective shift and reframe, but can make all the difference in how you move forward in life. After you read the journal entry below, grab your journal and ask yourselves the following questions. See if you can find the beauty in the breakdown:


How did I cultivate the strength to get through it?

What did I learn about myself in the process?

How am I different now because I went through that experience?

What traits have I gained that I wouldn’t have otherwise?

What might the purpose of this experience have been for me?

How can I take that hard-earned wisdom and use it in my life now?


September 14, 2017

I woke up around 1:00 AM last night and it took me awhile to fall back to sleep. I pulled a Kuan Yin Oracle card and it was awesome! The card I got was Blessings of the Moon Maiden - “She brings auspicious tidings of prosperity and abundance to now the universe seeks to replenish restore and create through you. Allow yourself to receive beyond what you have thought as possible by opening your heart to gratitude now. Let the blessings of good fortune flow easily in your life now.”


Yes! I also got the card Treasure Island in the Wisdom of the Oracle, which means a treasure I feel is eminent. Finally. It's here and I can open to receive. I will write everything that I am thankful for.


I'm so thankful for my beautiful healthy daughter, my health, my home, my car, the location that I live in with my amazing friends, so thankful for all the wonderful, helpful people that have come into my life. I am thankful for the experiences of the past year. I was able to live without a day-job for an entire year. I was in charge of my own schedule and able to be here for Sophia. I was able to make a full-time job out of spiritual development.


I let go of relationships and wrestled with so many demons, lack of confidence, doubt, fear, anger, disappointment, broken expectations, judgment, blame, even my relationship with the Universe. I tried numerous things and came to the conclusion that my heart always knows - despite what the gurus tell me. My path is unique to me.


I've learned how to trust myself.

I have learned that I have courage beyond my wildest dreams.

I have learned that failure isn't a thing.

I've learned that it's better, and infinitely more noble to try and fail than to never try at all.

I've learned that I'm kind of a badass.

I've learned that I never want to accept less than a passionate life.

I've learned that there is no more important relationship in the world than the one I have with myself.

I've learned that once you take that leap of faith, the universe starts to rearrange everything in your life.


But in order to step into your greatness, it's necessary to face your deepest, darkest thoughts and fears and judgments so you can realize they are nothing but illusions. It truly is Joseph Campbell's Hero’s Journey. I've been through it, well, almost. Is this the end? The rite of passage? Are there more demons that I must face? Only my soul knows. But today, there is nothing left in my heart but love. Love for myself for my strength and courage and tenacity. I have a newfound respect for myself. Look at what I have faced! I felt terror so fierce that I could barely breathe! And yet I persevered! I didn't give up. I've continued to move forward and trust in myself, my abilities, and the universe.


I've learned to stay in the moment, in the now.

I've learned that every moment is about embodying love for the self and others.

I've learned that nothing makes me happier than using my experience and skills to help others.

I have learned that what I do is important. That I can touch lives and help them change for the better.

I've learned that I'm good at what I do.

I've learned to trust and respect myself.

I've learned that I deserve love and help and good people in my life.

I've learned that I am worthy. I proved my worthiness to the most important person - me.


What will life be like now that I know? Is there more right now for me to learn? Perhaps. I'm referring to right now before I can move forward, which to me means bringing in resources through a job or clients, preferably clients.


Anyway, the point is, I'm at a place where I can finally say thank you to the universe for this past year and all of the lessons held within. I see the value in it and I am a better person because of it. And I am saying this with $400 in my bank account with no idea how I'm going to come up with the $3000 I need to pay rent and bills the end of the month. But I say this from a place of calm because no matter what happens, I'm OK. I am a divine soul. I am love. And I know I can make it through any challenge. I am proud of my courage and strength and tenacity and I respect myself in a way I never would have if I hadn't been through this.


I feel my Spirit Posse around me, clapping and cheering for me. I was hoping that I could take the leap of faith and everything would be great and I could tell others to do it too and all would be well. But now I see that the leap of faith is just the first fear faced. That's just the beginning. Then you're faced with the shadows, the deepest, darkest parts of you that you didn't even know were there. It's like a Harry Potter movie where every challenge is more difficult than the next. Dementors, dragons, and Voldemort. All symbolizing the internal demons that either destroy us or we destroy them. Will we triumph or will we give up, cut corners, or try to cheat like Malfoy?


I stuck it out. I didn't retreat. I've stayed steadfast in my mission, my desire to help others. I know what I am capable of now. We go through challenges in life to learn what we're capable of. We can't know it until we've faced it.


As I write all of this, any outside judgment fades into the background and all but disappears. What I have done and am still doing is so much bigger than their judgment. I mean who the fuck cares? This isn't their journey! Ultimately it was about me judging myself. It feels silly right now. But when we're going through it, it's so real and painful. This has been a time of purification, letting go, and purging.


“Be undisturbed by a situation and it will fall away of its own weight. When your eyes have seen your teachers, your teachers disappear.”