Spring is a time of rebirth, and this year, it’s personal. I, too, am experiencing a rebirth of sorts. I would like to take a moment to pause and look at how far I’ve come, with immense gratitude.
These past couple of years have been a time of accelerated spiritual growth. I was trying to birth a new life and it kind of felt like being in labor for a sustained period of time. The unknown was incredibly uncomfortable and I struggled to settle in and accept my circumstances as they were.
When I set out on this adventure by taking a Leap of Faith (abruptly quitting a job, relationship, and town), I thought I knew how it would play out. I would quit my job, which would make space for me to get another job. The new job would most likely be in the construction industry, but different than where I came from, and therefore, more tolerable. This would buy me some time financially until I could get enough coaching clients to quit my day job and coach full time.
That all sounds great, but things didn’t quite go as planned. I was unable to find a job. I concluded that perhaps the Universe wanted me to put more energy into my coaching business. So that’s what I did.
I spent time teaching myself how to create a website and how to maneuver online marketing. I struggled to land on a niche that I felt comfortable with and that would resonate with potential clients. But despite all the work I was doing, the clients didn’t come. I really struggled with my internal gremlins – the ones that told me that I was stupid for leaving my job, stupid for thinking I could find another one, and stupid that I could start a successful business with zero business experience. But I knew better than to succumb to this negative, fear-based thinking.
The reason I took this leap was because, in a transcendent moment, I had the realization that I was an eternal soul living a human life and that I had nothing to be afraid of. Any fear was something that I was taught or learned throughout my lifetime. What if I focused on my Soul-nature instead of my fear-based mind chatter? What if I let go of my worries? What if the Divine was my source and the money would come, even if I had no idea where it would come from? What if I embraced the process of venturing into the unknown?
So that’s what I did...or tried to do, with varying degrees of success.
My 401K money ran out a year after I quit my job. I struggled to quiet the feelings of impending doom with trust in the Universe. Somehow, the money to pay my bills came in. It came from clients and other unexpected sources. I have typically been the giver in my life and was unaccustomed to receiving. This was a learning experience for me. I had to learn to open my heart and receive help. I was worthy of being taken care of.
Which leads to why I started writing this in the first place.
As I stand on the precipice of change, I want to send a shout out to the Universe:
Universe, thank you so much for this time of my life that has been so mired with challenges. You have pushed me to the limits of what I thought I could manage. I discovered that I’m so much stronger and more courageous than I ever could have imagined. I have faced my deepest, darkest gremlins. I have acknowledged them and made a conscious choice to listen to my Soul’s voice instead.
I have learned that going with the flow and staying in a place of surrender and trust is one of the hardest, but most important, things we can do in life. When we relinquish control, the Divine takes the lead, allowing us to manifest experiences beyond our wildest imagination.
I have had to step completely outside of societal judgment. From the outside, I could be viewed as a failure; as a cautionary tale instead of encouragement. But what is happening beneath the surface is a re-wiring of my Self. This has been a time of re-programming, an installation of a new love-based operating system in place of the old, useless fear-based one.
It has been scary as hell in a way that I can’t properly put into words. But, oh, so worth it. What’s a couple of years in the scary unknown when compared to living the next half of my life from a place of authenticity, Soul, and love?
Thank you, Universe, for the lessons that I have learned and the growth that I have experienced.
Thank you for the synchronicities that led me to San Diego and to the home that has been so perfect for Sophia and I.
Thank you for the perfect warm-weather location that allows me to hike in the quiet hills in the morning and walk on the beach in the evening.
Thank you for the like-minded Soul tribe of friends that have supported me in so many ways throughout this journey.
Thank you for the opportunity to learn that many of the stories I told myself growing up aren’t true, allowing me to learn more about my true nature.
Thank you for time – time to be with my daughter, time to sleep in, time to write, time to read, time to be in nature, time to be with friends, time to grieve, time to heal, time to meditate, time to learn. Coming from my previous career where I spent most of my time working, this is the greatest gift I could imagine. In fact, I did imagine this when I was sitting behind my desk those many years. I would dream of kissing Sophia goodbye in the morning and greeting her when she came home. I dreamed about hiking in the middle of the day. Of working from my home office wearing my PJs until noon. All of these dreams came true. And I am so, so, so thankful for the opportunity to experience it.
As I step into this next phase of my life, reborn in love, I hold the intention to take all of these lessons with me. I intend to continue my spiritual growth, even as I share my life story with others. I ask for your continued support because I know that there are still many layers of programming that still need to be removed. I know there will be many more rebirthing experiences in the future.
I intend to keep you, the Universe, at the forefront of all I do, knowing that as long as I do, I will always be okay.