We’ve all been there…we think we’ve found “the one” until something goes terribly wrong and we end up alone, wondering “how did this happen?” Understandably, we might feel angry, betrayed, disillusioned, like we’ll never love or trust again.
In the past couple of weeks, I have had several people contact me for coaching because they have not been able to recover from a breakup and it has impacted their ability to feel joy and purpose in life. I can relate to the breakup trauma because I’ve experienced my fair share of heartbreak. I have experienced the divorce of my parents, two divorces of my own, and a broken engagement. It’s been a very bumpy road (*biggest understatement ever*), but these experiences have given me an arsenal of tools, to not only recover from heartbreak, but replace it with greater power, courage, strength, understanding, compassion, love, and resilience.
The Breakup Story
In our mind’s search for meaning, it creates stories to correspond with our experiences. These stories are based on our interpretations according to our past programming, and may not be based in reality. Usually, this story involves judgments about ourselves and others. Becoming aware of the story assigned to the relationship and the subsequent breakup is critical to overcoming it. Our thoughts create our world and they can imprison us or free us. Releasing the thoughts that create the negative story empowers us to replace them with thoughts that are more constructive.
So how do we go about releasing the old story that is holding us back from our happiness?
1. Debunk Your Story (Just the Facts, Ma’am) – Spend some time writing out your relationship and breakup story in gory detail. If necessary, take some time to step away and recover from any intense emotional reactions that the exercise brought up for you. Then, when you’re ready, read through your story, staying as objective as you can possibly can. How much of your story is True (note the capital ‘T’)? How much is just your interpretation of what happened from your limited perspective? Could there be other possibilities that you’re currently unaware of? How much of the story is attached to your emotions and past hurts? Try to whittle the story down to just the facts, removing the commentary and drama.
2. Take Responsibility – This can be really hard to do, especially if we feel that we were innocently wronged by our partner. But it’s critical that we recognize the choices that we made to get into the relationship and stay in the relationship. I’ve heard some compare accepting responsibility with blame and nothing could be farther from the truth. Accepting responsibility for our choices is an act of empowerment and even courage. When we recognize that we have the ability to choose, then we have the power to choose differently next time. If we don’t accept responsibility for our choices, then we remain a victim to life’s circumstances. Responsibility equals power.
3. Finding Purpose Amidst the Pain – We are spiritual beings living a human experience. Before we were born, we wrote the screenplay for this thing that we call life, complete with a full cast of characters that all have free will. When we adopt this spiritual perspective of life, everything has a purpose, and the purpose is to learn and grow closer to love. Intimate relationships provide fertile ground for this growth. What lessons might your Soul want to learn from this relationship? Often, our most challenging lessons stem from our core wounds from childhood. What core wound was triggered in the loss of the relationship? Usually it’s some version of “I’m not worthy” or “I’m not enough.” How can you use this relationship as a step towards overcoming this core wound?
4. Reframe – After going through the steps above, reframe the story that you started with initially. What is a healthier, more objective and loving way of looking at the relationship and the breakup that takes into account your responsibility and the relationship’s purpose according to a larger, spiritual perspective? Remember, your thoughts create emotions and those emotions create the energy that you carry with you throughout your day. Others subconsciously pick up on your energy and it impacts how they interact with you. Your energy also attracts like energy to you. It is within your power to reframe your stories to something that will create empowered, loving energy instead of victim energy.
5. Release – After coming up with an empowered reframe of the relationship and the breakup, you are now ready to release the negative energy surrounding the original story. I’m a big proponent of ceremonies and think they are so helpful when working through emotional issues like this. I suggest taking the piece of paper where you wrote your original story and burning it. State to the Universe that you are releasing the feelings of hurt/betrayal/disappointment/unworthiness/distrust/anger/sadness, etc., and choosing, instead, to adopt a more constructive and empowering story based on love and higher purpose. State your new empowerment story and let it go. You will probably feel a huge release of energy when you do this, but that doesn’t mean the thoughts about your ex won’t continue to pop up. Create a mantra that you can use, such as, “I release you with love and light,” every time the thought comes in. Remember, you have the power to change your thoughts.
Am I Acting from Love or Fear?
We all come to Earth with the ultimate goal of embodying unconditional love. However, when it comes to relationships, we do nothing but put fear-based conditions on them. What conditions and expectations were you projecting onto your partner? What needs were you hoping to have met? What if your needs were already met through the very nature of being you? What if you were able to step into a place of unconditional love, for just a moment, with zero attachment and no need to control. How would you view the relationship differently? What might be possible if you could open your heart and mind to another person from a spiritual perspective instead of from the ego? What would a spiritual relationship look like for you?
Relationships are so complex and multi-dimensional, and so often, when we’re immersed in pain, we can’t see a way out. If this all sounds too overwhelming or even impossible for you, that’s where I can help. Contact me and let’s work through this together so you can release the old and move forward with power, purpose, and joy.
Love and Light,