In this blog, I'm including a raw, unedited journal entry that I wrote before work one morning. I want to share my process of spiritual development with you.
Most blogs and personal development books are the culmination of hours of polishing and editing, and that's great. But this doesn't show the actual process of the shifts that people go through to get from Point A to Point B. I think it's important to show the process.
When I wrote this journal entry, I was pondering my relationship with money. There are times in my life that I've been able to manifest all the money that I need, and others where money is elusive. I've been very curious about why it tends to ebb and flow in this way. When I get curious, I get writing.
On this particular day, my journaling resulted in a shift in my consciousness around money. I felt it as an instantaneous release, a lightness as if the heavy, worrisome, fearful nature of the issue just left my body. I've had so many of these shifts over the past couple of years that I've come to recognize and welcome them. In fact, when it happens, I feel like doing a happy dance because I know that I've come a little closer to releasing past programming that is keeping me from living the life I want to live.
As you read the entry below, I invite you to imagine how this process might work for an issue that you are struggling with - perhaps your relationship with money could use some healing, too. As always, if you would prefer coaching to help you through it, feel free to contact me. I'm happy to help.
Oh, and a brief side note - the entry may be a little difficult to follow. The process can be a little messy, but that's just how it goes!
January 16, 2018
Over the weekend, I was contemplating the financial issue. If money is energy, then I'm putting out the wrong energy.
I've viewed my Leap of Faith as a failure because it has resulted in a ton of debt. I've felt resentful and angry about that. But, it's just money. Who cares? My focus has been on the wrong thing. It's been focused on the fact that the only measurement of success is money. That's an outdated idea from my past. I took 2 years off of work! I lived in a beautiful location with both hills and ocean in Southern California! I was home for Sophia all day long. I went on hikes and meditated at the beach. I made amazing, like-minded friends. My so-called "debt" funded that life. All of those amazing experiences.
Yes, much of it was filled with gut-wrenching fear, but only of my own making. Only because I was still stuck on the idea that money = success. Perhaps the money didn't come the way I had anticipated. And yes, life would have been easier if it did. But I wouldn't have grown spiritually in the way that I did if I had the money.
The withholding of the money forced me to look at all of the dark monsters hiding in the closet of my psyche. It wasn't just about the money, but everything that money represents, one of the most important thing is worthiness. To use Brene Brown's term, I "rumbled" with that idea of worthiness every day. I used affirmations and journaled about it and imagined what it would feel like to feel worthy and put myself in that place. I pulled out all of the coaching tricks and attempted to mind-fuck myself into a place where that was my new reality.
But it didn't work.
I could feel the resistance to the Truth of it because, somewhere deep inside of me, there was a place governed by a lock and key that I couldn't get to. In my mind, success = money.
I don't even know where that idea came from! Money wasn't even discussed in my family growing up. Perhaps it goes deeper than that. A past life of not having enough. A past life where the people who had money were safe and those who didn't starved. Writing that actually brought up a tightness in my chest. Money = safety. Money = survival. Old, outworn ideas are dictating my life today. CANCELLED. I cancel those outworn ideas that no longer serve me!!
What I was able to experience in the last 2 years was a gift. There is always a time and place for more money to flow into my life, but there isn't always time for a boot camp of spiritual development or time to spend quality time with your child, or enjoy the outdoors, or create meaningful friendships. All because I took a risk, a leap of faith, and it didn't turn out as anticipated…it turned out better.
Uffda. It took me 4 months to get to that place of surrender, acceptance, appreciation, and clarity. And just like that, there's a shift.
Money doesn't equal safety and security. Money is a life enhancement. Money appears out of love, not anger, not resentment, not fear. What if I don't blame money for my unhappiness and for making my life difficult with its absence? What if, instead, I appreciate its presence?
I felt that I've done that in the past. I've had my many affirmations, such as, "I am thankful that there is always enough money." The insinuation is that if there isn't "enough," (whatever that means), then I won't be thankful. And in the past, my expectation has been that there is "just enough." What if my happiness in the present moment isn't contingent upon money? Now this is huge, because when I literally had a negative amount in the bank and my credit cards were nearly maxed, I couldn't figure out how I could be happy under those circumstance. The fear was absolutely overwhelming. I literally felt like I couldn't breathe. I knew that was the challenge in that moment. I knew I had my health and my daughter, and although I didn't know if I would have a home much longer, I would somehow be ok. And yet, the fact that I didn't have enough was such a shock to my system.
What if it took this shock to jolt me out of the old pattern? What if I'm just restarting? What if what is waiting for me couldn't come under my current operating system and I needed an upgrade that started with a defrag of the entire system? I hit control-alt-delete and rebooted everything in my system. It was necessary in order to move forward.
This reboot was necessary for my spiritual growth, and therefore, there isn't any reason for me to be angry or resentful or regretful for getting to that place. I let that all go because it's not real. I let go of any concern of judgment coming from anyone outside of myself. Any negativity about what I experienced and the lack of money being the "cause" isn't true or fair.
How can I expect to bring more money into my life when I'm blaming it for the circumstance I was in?
Of course I wasn't directly blaming it, but I did think that everything would have been better if I had money, so ultimately, I blamed the lack of money for all of the unhappiness, fear, misery in my life.
Wow. That's a lot for money to bear, isn't it?
Dear Money, I'm sorry for putting all of that on you. I apologize. I didn't know any better. Can you please forgive me? I haven't had the best relationship with you. When I was young, I learned to not talk about you and that if I don't people please, I'm not worthy of you. I learned that as a spiritual person, I don't have a right to ask for you to come to me because my gifts are gifts from god, and, therefore, not mine to ask for compensation for. No matter which way I look at it, my relationship with you has been just plain wrong and yet I didn't know how to make it right. My reboot opens that possibility now. The possibility that I can create a new relationship with you that is based on love. Knowing that I am always worthy of you visiting me because we can do great things together! The more of you I have, the more I can do in the world. I sense a little resistance as I say that, which tells me I still have work to do. But I do sense a shift now. The dysfunction of our past relationship is over. I let it all go. I now welcome you in in a new, loving, mutually beneficial manner. I welcome you as a cherished friend. When you are ready, my door is open to welcome you in. I send you love!
Whew!